wanting it all

i want a man that provides financially. without even thinking about it. like it’s hardwired into his brain to just do so. and he doesn’t make up excuses or thinkpieces as to why providing for a woman is not realistic, or brings up 50/50, or any of that stuff. like it is his culture to do so and expected of him, so he always makes sure he is not without.

where i don’t have to constantly worry about money. it feels like a burden to go on a date simply because he can’t afford it. be feeling guilty the entire time we are on it. thoughts of me offering to split the bill run through my mind the entire time we are eating. i lose my appetite.

is that superficial? maybe. but it’s how i feel.

it’s not even one of those things where i expect him to cover everything. i don’t. but if i’m the one that has to pay most of the time, or i’m the one making the drives out, paying for the gas, or the flights, or any date, or i feel like i need to sacrifice a part of my lifestyle because i need to make sure i’m living in a certain tax bracket…

it makes me angry — i keep listening to my heart over what is practical. why can’t i have both? i want a partner that adores me, that i admire, and that i am attracted to. i find that i have been in relationships that only embody 1-2 out of 3 of these things.

not all three.

i think growing up i attached men who financially provide (and love doing it) to control over their partners. because that is what i witnessed growing up.

and then i got into a relationship that mirrored that experience for me, which made me distrust any man willing to give generously, thinking underneath that is an ulterior motive for control.

i know i’m wrong. i know it exists.

God, i know only you deliver true blessing. i know success and abundance are up to you. so why do i feel so strongly about this?

you have placed this desire on my heart.

i love my man, i do, but there are some superficial things that bother me about our relationship: we don’t have the same food tastes, he is not in shape the way i normally like my men, and he is not financially savvy.

but he makes me feel good. he grounds me.

something feels off. and i keep praying for it to feel right.