what if the dream changed?

shifting interests and abandoning pursuits i tied to my self worth

i genuinely hate my job. and i know— who doesn’t, right?

but apparently, a lot of people don’t. apparently, a lot of people followed their passions, and have three side hustles, and are making money doing something they love.

they are living what appears to be their dream lives.

many of these dream life livers also handing out blueprints online that sound like:
“here are the 10 things i did that changed everything for me.”
just follow this, and you can live like me.

and sometimes i try.
because it’s inspiring… for a minute.

but at some point, i always burn out.
because the life i’m trying to build isn’t actually mine.
the excitement of being distracted wears off

and i realize i’m following advice from someone
who doesn’t even think like me,
feel like me,
dream like me.

i look at the people i follow on instagram,
some of them have everything i want.
or, what i think i want.
and then there is the off chance i meet them in real life.

and honestly?
some of them are terrible people.
people i wouldn’t be friends with.
people i wouldn’t want to be.

what do they say? don’t meet your heroes…

but i still want what they have.

what does God say about that?
thou shalt not covet?

yeah. i see why. i thought hope bred eternal misery, but coveting does that and makes me feel like my life isn’t enough. like it would be so difficult for me to be content.

i’m learning that admiration doesn’t mean imitation.
and that just because someone’s life looks good,
doesn’t mean it would feel good to live in.

so maybe i’m allowed to pivot.
to say, “this doesn’t fit me anymore.”
even if i’ve spent years chasing it. or mere months.
even if it once lit me up. the pursuit has dried up.

i wonder— what is the difference between giving up on my dreams and pressing on? completely walking away from them and continuing down the path of the unknown?

i guess if i pivot i’ll never know. or maybe i’ll pivot back.

and the real pivot isn’t chasing someone else’s dream,
but finally getting honest enough to pursue my own.